Fair warning: I am not even sure how I want to start this blog post. I mean I don’t want the tone to be all snarky, or bitchy because I have been dealing with snarky, bitchy people now for weeks.  Try as I might, I do not think I will succeed. This is definitely a Bitch, Please moment.

I guess what I’ll start off saying is that, despite the dire nature of the world’s event, meaning Covid-19, that most people are taking it seriously and trying to do their part in lowering the amount of acute cases, and maintaining a bit of decorum when “inconvenienced”.  These are the compassionate people who come into your place of business and are kind, caring, sympathetic to those who may be going through it.

However, this blog post aint about the people who act right, show some compassion, follow the rules of whatever shopping establishment that happens to still be SERVING shoppers. Nope.

I’ma call out the assbutts, the rude folks with their sorry, bored at home, can’t find anything better to do than to harass a cashier, or sales associate with first world stupidity.

It’s my blog so I’ma go where I want, and if you happen to resemble any persons mentioned in this blog, if I step on your toes—just say ouch.

Don’t go blaming Corona virus for the way you are acting; some of this ain’t the stress of the times. This stupidity was in your gene pool long before Covid-19 made it’s way across the ocean. I have reached my zenith of being over the snark, the BS, the dumb ass questions and petty ass complaints. There are people DYING ALONE in hospital beds, their loved ones unable to comfort them or be with them in their final moments. See, despite the gut wrenching, heart breaking reality of the now, even the hospitals have RULES in place to combat this plague. Let me remind some of you, that these families can’t even give their loved ones a proper send off, having to watch funeral workers in hazmat gear, lower their loved one in a cold grave from the inside of their car!

See, those are the images that galvanize me to say a prayer, smile a little more, encourage people, go the extra mile to be helpful and a sympathetic ear when folks are reasonably venting.

Then there’s the Karen’s and the Joe’s that show their natural ass over the fact that they can’t buy non-essential items, such as Candy-licous Red Paint, flooring or carpet (unless you order it from your local “big box home improvement store, the one with the blue and white logo…”online for curbside pickup), upset because there is a limit on how many germy, non-mask wearing, individuals that can be in the store, shopping at one time. The same said individuals, that are “frustrated” because they have longer than “normal” wait times, or get down right pissy because they have to follow the yellow brick road and use designated entrances and exits.  Bitch, Please.

What part of Pandemic do you not understand?

Okay, so you’re stuck at home, and want to get some of those projects done, the ones you slept on before all of this started, therefore they are not that important. Yes, I said it, you know that they are not, because if they were that damn important, the sh8t would have been done already, alright? Yet somehow, now that you are ASKED, to remain at home, you have to rush out and get them ALL done. Not a roof, or hot water tank emergency, you want to have a deck installed. Never stopping to consider that the department associate, or the cashier, the loader or customer service person is having to take the brunt of all your nasty comments, complaints, even THREATS for upwards of 12 hour shifts without so much as a thank you. Never mind that you cannot remain 6 feet apart on a close quarter job site. Oh no, you want to be upset because you couldn’t find an associate to help you find a chalk line, and why do you think that is? Could it be that the store is short of associates during this PANDEMIC.

Did you know many retail workers are over 50 years old and some with health issues that have them self quarantining? Take “my” store; where a third of the workers are older and now on leave and another third for many reasons also have to take leave. Which means, you have only one third of the workers in house, who are running themselves ragged, and you want to flip off , cuss out, and otherwise make an ASS of yourself, throwing a damn tantrum over having to WAIT in a long line? Or my favorite, “Why don’t you have any shopping carts?” You mean all the ones you passed up outside, the ones that have to be washed off and sanitized BEFORE handing them to you, by the same clerk you just went off on, who was attempting to get you a clean cart. Maybe you think you get a pass or have the right to give another human being grief? Bitch, Please.

I hope your first world drama will be enough to get you through, if—heaven forbid—you or one of your loved ones falls ill to this virus. I hope the compassion you did not extend to your Shipt shopper, the gas station clerk,  the fast food worker, the cleaning attendant, is extended to you. I hope the doctor or nurse that is treating you is not the spouse, mother/father/sibling of the retail worker you just blessed out. (It could happen, no seriously, I live in a small town and everybody is practically related to or married into some family.) I hope you never experience the grief of losing a loved one to a REAL virus and having to say goodbye over FaceTime or SKYPE.

But again, fair warning: If you think you are disappointed, frustrated, scared, angry or just sick and tired over having quarantine, crank that up a billion decibels because that’s how frustrated the hospital workers, the doctors, the nurses, the caregivers, grocery clerks, the delivery drivers, the HUMAN BEINGS that are putting themselves in harms way, unable to be at home where they WANT to be, but instead are at work, putting up with your first world, uncaring asses. Look, here: The days are growing longer, and patience is growing shorter. Even the nicest, sweetest person can go full on beast mode if pushed to far.

I’m here to tell my fellow first liners, it’s okay to say enough. We are not here for abuse, we do not have to deal with ignorant, insensitive, rude people who have their Underoos in a bunch and do not have the decency to go someplace private and pull them out!  No sir, no Ma’am. The door is that way. I won’t even trip if you walk out the entrance instead of the exit. I am here to say, emphatically, aw hell naw. If I wish you a good day and you start in on that tired tangent, “what’s so good about it”, I’m that cashier that will ask you, “Are you still breathing on your own? There’s a few hundred people who can’t breathe without a ventilator, so …” You want to bitch about a trainee who is doing the best that they can, to ME of all people about how they don’t know how to do their job? THEY IN TRAINING FOOL. I ain’t the one you bring that mess to, no in my line, I’ma call you out.  You wanna start a debate siting conspiracy theories and false narratives and down right fear mongering of the worse kind in my line? I ain’t feeding those demons. You can exit, stage left. Bitch, Please, if you could only see my face underneath this damn mask!

Listen sexy people, I have been reduced to tears, come home anxious, stressed out and fearful, not of the damn virus but of coming in to a job that I use to enjoy. There are straight up moments, where I am desperately  wanting to pull a Usain Bolt and run as far away from the madness that is retail right now! But no more. That ish is over. I still enjoy my job.  I don’t wake up mad every damn day and if I wanna smile and you wanna frown, free country still. But it’s for damn sure if I was feeling some type of way, I would not have the unmitigated gall to take it out on a stranger. My mama raised me better than that.

Yeah I rolled my eyes.

I’ll be the sweetest, most helpful person you need, but I will go for your neck if you come for me. Period.

If we all would just calm down, accept the disruption to whatever brand your normal is, if you the Karen’s and Joe’s of this world, could just put yourself aside for the greater good, we could truly be in this together. But that aint the real deal. For every 3 people that are kind and gracious, I now have 7 that make me want to shake them in front of Jesus. Not that long ago, I was able to say this statement but in reverse. And the more each state relaxes their restrictions or just plain reopens, during these chaotic times, it will only cause more friction, a vicious cycle really, because the truth of the matter is, over worked, workers are dropping like flies. The staff shortages will add to the customer’s frustration and lack of patience, and leave the retail worker reeling from having been cussed out by extra ass people,  buying extra dumb stuff  and complaining extra hard over things that aren’t in the associates pay scale, to wit the associate has a nervous effin’ breakdown, or quits because NOBODY can be strong forever. (insert Faith and Prayer here…)

But, hey, you want to ask for my manager, Karen?  Bitch, Please. I been paging his ass for fifteen minutes…he aint coming and you know why? Because he’s hoping I bless you out so he won’t have to. Real talk, Sis.  You want to threaten my job, Joe? I’ll hand your ass the vest, bruh. I’m just not taking any more unnecessary roughness. Flag is down on them kinds of plays, believe that.

Listen, things will get better. If you can’t bring yourself to be courteous and patient during your shopping experience, then STAY THE FECK AT HOME. And for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, wear a damn mask and gloves! For people who are so damn scary of the virus, are laid off without pay, you are still finding ways to come out to shop, spending money you need to be hanging onto. What’s worse, dragging small kids into a hotbox of hot mess and then bitching about the entire experience.

No Karen, I am not here for that. No one is.