Wow it’s always good to hear from friends you grew up with or haven’t talked to in ages. I had a blast from the past, just the other day and it did my heart good. We talked about everything and nothing. What’s going on in their life, what’s going on in mine. Since then I’ve been in a self reflecting mood. Not in a moody, sad bad way. More of a, you know I should just roll the clock back.
Not always easy to roll the clock back since theoretically no one has been able too. If it were scientifically possible, I could do a lot of things. Change a few mistakes, get in a few do overs. Since it is not, then I can only roll it back figuratively.
Why do I want to roll it back? With as many good things that have happened, growth, changes, development of my personal character and inner self there are still a few things I do not like about me. I find I’ve lost my optimism. Not all of it but enough to notice when negative things start to permeate my topics of conversation, complaining or belly aching. It’s good to vent because you don’t bottle up all that negative energy but dumping is never a good thing. No one else needs the negative spillage in their front yards either. So I’m rolling that bit back. I’ll go back to writing in my journal. Let the negative spill onto the pages and when I re read them, I can then find some solutions if there are any.
Personal appearance. I want to roll that back as well. I find I have some problem areas that are just not going away sort of a surgeon’s knife. And I’m not financially able to finance a new bod. So instead I’ll walk more, eat more fruit, drink more water and wear what flatters me vs. what everyone else is wearing. I was never one to follow trends and I miss that about myself. However at some point I began to try to “fit in”. Not just with clothing choices either. And neither one of those moves are sitting well with me.
So I’m rolling that back as well. If being me is not popular, I was never in the “in crowds” from the jump. So I’ll do me. I’m an eclectic ball of humorous hot mess and I like that just fine. I’m a bohemian chic that rocked combat boots with dresses and wore what felt good to my soul. I am just as estactic about a thrift store bargain as I am with a name brand. Besides with a Bedazzler anyone can have their name on an item of clothing; a stencil too.
Remembering the journey is as much a part of the walk as anything for me. I’m ready to roll back to a simpler me, a peaceful me and a loving me and let go of the worries and negative attitudes (both mine and other people’s) that has plagued me lately. Inner turmoil spills out and it’s a worse mess to clean up than an oil spill! I’d rather shine from an inner glow than fester with self loathing. And lets not wake up what people pleasing has done to me all these years.
Until it sinks in that I can’t please everyone {and shouldn’t bother with trying too but I still do}, I’ll start with small doses; like excusing myself from the company of those that must continually seek misery. That is a roll back I’ll celebrate with gusto! Popularity is for Beauty Queens and Politicians and even they rely on the votes of others. What matter most to me is how I feel on a day to day basis inside. It’s crucial for my spiritual growth and mental health. Besides, having a facade is only as good as the stuff you made it with. I’ve witness a lot of unmasking and cracked facades taking place. I find you expend way to much energy putting on airs and keeping up appearances. I don’t think the “Jones'” are all that no how to try to keep up with em!
I’m rolling back to what you see is what you get! No pomp and circumstances required. Just more love, more laughter, more joy and an abundance of peace. To thine own self be true. Nothing is more beautiful than loving yourself and for me that starts with rolling it back!
~ ❤ ~
Mimi Tulane 