Category Archives: Musings

Balancing Act and Second Guessing just a few of life’s challenges

Hello my old friend. Yes I am addressing my blog. Blogging is therapy. I have quite a few coping mechanisms. Writing is a form of therapy for me, a way to reason out the thoughts that bang around my head on the regular. The fact that I have a gift to be able to weave a tale or two amid the chaotic clutter is a blessing.

Today was my first official day “back on the job”. I pulled out my current work in progress and and re read what I have written, something I do when I’ve been away from the story any length of time. I have to reacquaint myself with my “peeps”.

Life had me in a twist with moving and resettling into our new home, the kids having to change school districts and the husband with his own set of woes. Not to mention I have had a cold now for more than two weeks with no signs of it improving. So writing for anything, pleasure, “work” even the occasional Tweet, had gone by the wayside. The family needed time to adjust to new surroundings. I don’t want to wake up the family pet, Nefertiti and all her quirks right now. Her newest thing is to bark at any noise the resembles doorbells and door knocking. {purses lips} Yeah…

So I’ve had many distractions but purposed to get back down to business. The muse is well, and I can see the finish line. But the problem I am experiencing on this new Author journey relates to seconding guessing my character’s traits. I LOVE the way I wrote her, but her profession and lifestyle are challenging for me. My research hasn’t netted me the answers I am looking for to be confident in how she is portraying the BDSM lifestyle she lives.

I am all for artistic license and let the writer be as creative as their own id. Yet I am loathed to write anything that will ring ‘false’ even within the context of fantasy/fiction. I suppose disclaimers are a good “out”. {wry smile} However I know if I can get the answer to a question or two that my “fog” will lift and I will have that clear direction I am striving for with my “girl”.

I am protective of my character, she means a lot to me. The fact that she exist solely on the fictitious plane does not make her any less real to me. I think I feel responsible for her well being and that anything she says or does that isn’t “right” is not HER fault. {Yes I’m wigging out and may seem a bit strange but that’s how I roll when I write. Get over it…}

I have two options as I see it. The first is to write this story the way I feel like writing it and let the “bodies hit the floor” {love the hook to that song…} OR research it to death looking for an answer that may not ever surface and delay finishing the book. I’m not liking the latter option at all but that part of me that wants to be “right” where my knowledge of a subject is, is in the way of the creative muse I have named “Miss Thang.” Miss thang has said several times, “Hey this is fiction, the world you created. You didn’t claim to be an expert!  You are telling a story that happens to include aspects of a lifestyle that technically you know nothing about!”

{Hush Miss Thang…}

Anyone that  knows me personally knows I have a penchant to obsess over just about anything…

Until this resolves I will still continue to write the story. Perhaps that light bulb moment will happen in the midst of it all and I will gain back my confidence in my story.

The worse thing that can happen? Is I rip it back down rethink the direction and re write it.

I just hope it doesn’t come to that. {sighs}

What’s on my mind

writer-at-workIt’s been a month since I posted to my blog. During this time I finished only one chapter of book two of my Family Dominant Series. I’m stuck in a cycle of rewriting and getting nowhere fast. A good friend suggest I just keep going forward, worry about any mistakes after. What’s funny about that is, it’s the most common sense approach there is yet it never occurred to me to do that. 

Maybe it’s because I tend to get consumed with what I have already written wanting to make sure it’s “perfect”. Which is silly. If it was perfect I probably wouldn’t need an editor! So that’s what I plan to do. Just keep going forward. It’s not that I don’t have the premise in mind or know what direction I wish to take. It’s just motivation. I’m an emotional writer. So if the muse is being funny with me or I have stress/issues, I don’t have the energy to make it out of bed, let alone write. 

Writing is my escape, when I am feeling it. When I am not feeling it, it becomes a mountain that needs climbing. However, mountains can be climbed just a step at a time. I put pressure on myself to perform by a self imposed standard. Probably shouldn’t do that, but there it is. 

At any rate I hope to be back at it tomorrow. Whatever comes out, I will attempt not to rewrite it to death and just keep going forward. Probably easier said than done but we will see. 

To go forward sometimes you have to roll it back.

Wow it’s always good to hear from friends you grew up with or haven’t talked to in ages. I had a blast from the past, just the other day and it did my heart good. We talked about everything and nothing. What’s going on in their life, what’s going on in mine. Since then I’ve been in a self reflecting mood. Not in a moody, sad bad way. More of a, you know I should just roll the clock back.

Not always easy to roll the clock back since theoretically no one has been able too. If it were scientifically possible, I could do a lot of things. Change a few mistakes, get in a few do overs. Since it is not, then I can only roll it back figuratively.

Why do I want to roll it back? With as many good things that have happened, growth, changes, development of my personal character and inner self there are still a few things I do not like about me. I find I’ve lost my optimism. Not all of it but enough to notice when negative things start to permeate my topics of conversation, complaining or belly aching. It’s good to vent because you don’t bottle up all that negative energy but dumping is never a good thing. No one else needs the negative spillage in their front yards either. So I’m rolling that bit back. I’ll go back to writing in my journal. Let the negative spill onto the pages and when I re read them, I can then find some solutions if there are any.

Personal appearance. I want to roll that back as well. I find I have some problem areas that are just not going away sort of a surgeon’s knife. And I’m not financially able to finance a new bod. So instead I’ll walk more, eat more fruit, drink more water and wear what flatters me vs. what everyone else is wearing. I was never one to follow trends and I miss that about myself. However at some point I began to try to “fit in”. Not just with clothing choices either. And neither one of those moves are sitting well with me.

So I’m rolling that back as well. If being me is not popular, I was never in the “in crowds” from the jump. So I’ll do me. I’m an eclectic ball of humorous hot mess and I like that just fine. I’m a bohemian chic that rocked combat boots with dresses and wore what felt good to my soul. I am just as estactic about a thrift store bargain as I am with a name brand. Besides with a Bedazzler anyone can have their name on an item of clothing; a stencil too.

Remembering the journey is as much a part of the walk as anything for me. I’m ready to roll back to a simpler me, a peaceful me and a loving me and let go of the worries and negative attitudes (both mine and other people’s) that has plagued me lately. Inner turmoil spills out and it’s a worse mess to clean up than an oil spill!  I’d rather shine from an inner glow than fester with self loathing. And lets not wake up what people pleasing has done to me all these years.

Until it sinks in that I can’t please everyone {and shouldn’t bother with trying too but I still do}, I’ll start with small doses; like excusing myself from the company of those that must continually seek misery. That is a roll back I’ll celebrate with gusto! Popularity is for Beauty Queens and Politicians and even they rely on the votes of others. What matter most to me is how I feel on a day to day basis inside. It’s crucial for my spiritual growth and mental health. Besides, having a facade is only as good as the stuff you made it with. I’ve witness a lot of unmasking and cracked facades taking place. I find you expend way to much energy putting on airs and keeping up appearances. I don’t think the “Jones'” are all that no how to try to keep up with em!

I’m rolling back to what you see is what you get! No pomp and circumstances required. Just more love, more laughter, more joy and an abundance of peace. To thine own self be true. Nothing is more beautiful than loving yourself and for me that starts with rolling it back!

~ ❤ ~

Humbly Humbled: Today a dream is officially recognized.

My book is out. Today is the official release day. I don’t think it has set in and probably won’t sink in, for a few more days to come. I have cried many, many tears out of frustration. I had moments of disbelief, that I’d ever get anything that I had written published. With each step I was reminded by that small still voice that I can do all things through Him. I am so humbly grateful for this blessing from God.

To know that my prayers were heard and promises He made were kept… is something that only one filled with longing for a dream, can truly grasp. I won’t rest on my laurels! There are yet many more stories to write, and plenty of room left for dreams yet to come.

With faith all things are possible! Your dreams can and will come true in due season! Hold on to your dreams!

This day, I am wonderfully and truly blessed.